Finding Kirsten A Memoir

A Science-Fiction Memoir about a Mother's journey to finding herself, amidst a mental health crisis. She learns to love herself, despite her complex trauma and on going mental illness. Along the way she encounters unexpected spiritual experiences and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ; that leave her questioning everything she has ever believed.

Chapter Two

Monday, December 21st 2020

“Remember.” Spirit, whispered in my ear. “Remember, everything.” She whispered, again. I found myself, somewhere caught in between being asleep and being awake; fully able to hear her voice. “Remember, Kirsten. Remember.” She spoke a little louder this time. Her voice is soft and sweet, but a little raspy. It is deeper than I would have imagined. It startles me, awake. 

4:44am, on the dot. I have been waking up at this exact time, for weeks now. I could already hear the puppies stirring, ready to nurse on mama and ready to play. “God knew I needed this litter of puppies, in my life!” I  happily proclaim to myself.  They were a whole month old, and already developing their own little personalities. Honestly, I did not mind getting up with them at this time in the morning, because it gave me some “me time,” before the day starts. Believe it or not, my kids are more work than eight, almost five week old, Labradoodle puppies. I  looked forward to this time in the morning. Just me and the puppies. We would only have them for a couple more weeks, anyhow. 

I roll out of bed, and head straight to the bathroom to relieve myself and load my morning bowl of marijuana; before I head out to the garage, to my ‘toke space.’ My favorite spot to enjoy some quiet time. Wake and bake; that is how I start each day. It allows me to settle and clear my mind, before attending to my children and their never ending list of needs. It helps me keep my cool; as I am often quick to anger when under stress and pressure. Which is often with three children. Two with special needs. I sprinkle a little keef, for a little extra kick.  Today is not only the Winter Solstice; it just so happens to be the biggest day. Astrologically speaking, that is; in legitimately, thousands of years. Today is the great Jupiter and Saturn Conjunction. It is so great, because it will be the brightest it has been since the 1200’s AD. And we will have a great view of it here in the Western Hemisphere. “The Star of Bethlehem,” Spirit spoke to me sweetly. She catches my attention and I hesitate lighting the bowl, for one fraction of a second. “I wonder if this is what the wise men saw, when they followed the ‘star’ to Jesus’s birth place,”  I  thought to myself, as I took a hit. The smoke is cool and refreshing, thanks to ice cold bong water. Just like I like it.  After a few hits, I find myself feeling, what I like to call, “normal.” Marijuana slows down my brain, just enough, to allow me to complete an entire thought. “I wonder if people without mental illness feel normal, like I do, on weed,” I think to myself. The thought is fleeting, as are most. 

By the time I get to the puppies, they are more than ready to play. I cringe, as I get closer to the pin and smell six hours worth of puppy poop. No one talks about the amount of poop that comes out of these adorable fur balls. “Adorable, my ass,” I say out loud to myself, trying not to gag. If I did not love puppies so much, the poop would definitely keep me from ever breeding my dog, again. But just like with my own children, it is all a part of the job. So, I  do it without complaint. I change their disgusting puppy pads, and refill their water. This morning though, they are particularly rambunctious. So, I grab my phone, throw on my favorite rose-pink fur robe, and grab an arm full of puppies to take outside. 

Even though it is legitimately freezing outside, we all bundle up on the porch under a heavy blanket. The cold always calms them down. And let’s face it; this was more for me than them. I love the puppy snuggles. I grab my favorite puppy, Rosie, named after her mama, Riley Rose; who just so happens to be the runt of the litter. I place her in my lap and stroke her curly black coat of hair. They say you should not play favorites, but it is hard not to when the others single her out. Extra love, never hurt anyone, anyhow. 

I pop in my AirPods, and turn on Lindsey Stirling. Because she is literally, the only thing I am listening to now. She even beat out Pentatonix, and it is Christmas Season! “What is she? A superhero or something?” I giggle to myself. “That would make a great book. I will have to write that one down in my ‘notes;’ I think to myself. I quickly get lost in the music. Something about the violin takes my high to a whole new level. It is almost addicting. 

Rosie nestles into my lap, with one or two of her litter mates, resting alongside her. The warmth from their bodies helps keep my legs warm. But I shiver, anyhow. I checked the clock on my phone; 5:55 on the dot. I did not have time to waste this morning, as we have a full day ahead of us; so I scoop up the puppies and head back indoors, to start my day. “Here goes nothing,” I say to myself out loud, as I mentally prepare myself for a busy day ahead.

Ryder sleepily walks into the living room; rubbing his little blue eyes. Today is my last day to have a three-year old. It was hard to believe he would be four, this time, tomorrow. I pick him up and carry him to our worn, overstuffed, leather sofa; to start his morning breathing treatment and chest clearing therapy. Managing his Cystic Fibrosis is a full time job. I gently set him on the couch, and buckled him into his small, blue, therapy vest. I fill the vile of his nebulizer cup with his first medication, Albuterol. Which helps relax and open his airways; for easier breathing. Ryder does an Albuterol treatment, twice a day. As well as two other inhaled medications, each and every day. He has since he was just nineteen days old. Flashbacks of Ryder’s first year of life fill my mind and body. I physically shake my head, as if doing so will make the flashbacks stop. But I am no stranger to these flashbacks. Everytime an alarm beeps, or he coughs; my mind spins with past traumatizing memories of that first year of his life. His diagnosis alone was enough to send any postpartum mother, over the edge. But I was no stranger to Postpartum Depression, as it is. And she is a total Bitch. Especially when you have a second child, with special needs. Ryder’s special needs were medical, and I was not quite sure how to cope with the idea that my son’s life was just a countdown to death. Atleast, this is how I was feeling about it; despite the advancements in medicine, specifically for Cystic Fibrosis. Cystic Fibrosis is a progressive and chronic genetic disorder that affects the cells that produce mucus in the body. So things like his lungs, pancreas and digestive tract are affected greatly.  That first year of his life was really lonely and scary. Add in the Postpartum Depression, and you have a literal, ticking time bomb. When Ryder was just barely six months old, I attempted suicide by taking a concotion of pills. Truth was, it did not start out that way. I just wanted to go to sleep and to stop crying. But my depression and anxiety quickly turned into; “Let me take more, so I never wake up,” type of thinking. Depression can be really ugly, unpredictable and scary. I was forced into a six day stay in the mental ward at Dallas Presbyterian Hospital; which would be just the beginning of my long struggle with my moderate to severe mental illness. But I did the crime, so I did the time; as they say.  I swore I would do everything in my power to never step foot in that place, again. 

Despite my long history with antidepressants, I was so grateful to be off of them for the first time in literal years. My body felt good, and my mind felt even better. Sure, I was still relying on a natural substance to handle and manage my mental health and chronic pain symptoms; but I was not bogged down with side effects and physical ailments that did more harm than the drug does good. Something that is common with many pharmaceuticals. It is a battle I have dealt with since I got my first antidepressant at the age of nineteen. A battle that I may have fought alone these years, but not a battle I fight alone. So many people are in similar situations; battling with the double edged sword we know as antidepressants. “If only they could all use marijuana instead. When I become President of the United States of America, I am making weed legal and accessible for all!” I giggle to myself. But seriously. If only it were legal and accessible; at least here in our home state of Texas. But that is a subject for another day.

 My husband walks in the room, wearing his “American until Texas Secedes, “ shirt and the timing could not be more perfect. “A cute little synchronicity,” I think to myself, as I kiss him good morning on the lips. Synchronicities are unexplainable coincidences, that happen each day. For instance, you keep seeing a rose, or a butterfly. A neighbor mentions Paris, and then you keep seeing “Paris,” everywhere. There is often a message there from Spirit, in these synchronicities. “Are Ryan and Kimberly here yet?” Dominik asks, gently returning my kiss; not caring that I have not even made it to the bathroom to brush my teeth yet. “Maybe he really does love me,” I ruminate to myself. He may not love me in my “love language,” words of affirmation, but he certainly shows me he loves me in other little ways. Even if it is hard for me to recognize that love, the majority of the time. Something I have struggled with, our entire relationship. But I am so grateful for him, despite my inability to feel love; the ways he knows how to show it.

My Brother in law, Ryan, twin sister Kimberly, and my niece Hannah, arrived from Germany; just yesterday. Ryan and my sister moved there, after Ryan was stationed in Germany with the United States Army. They were here to visit for Christmas for the first time in several years.  “God knew I needed this visit from my sister and her family,” I think to myself with a smile. “They are on their way,” I reply with a clinched smile; trying not to breathe on Dominik with my unbrushed teeth. I was always overly self conscious of myself. 

Later today,  we are headed to Six Flags Over Texas, and I could not be more excited; despite being there last week. Spirit was telling me to get in touch with my inner child, and Six Flags was one of my favorite places to be growing up. After I had my breast implants put in, in December of 2013; I developed severe anxiety that was so debilitating, physically, that places like Six Flags were out of the question. Everything was an anxiety trigger back then. The sounds. The lights. The crowds. Everything. I basically only left my house to do photo shoots, grocery shop, and take my children to and from school. Anything else was too much for my anxiety. So, I am extra grateful to be able to spend the day at my favorite theme park, with my favorite people. Mostly, anxiety free.  

The day is jam packed with trying to fit all of our favorite rides in, but we have a great time despite the crowds. It is a little chilly, especially on the roller coasters. Somehow, we manage to ride them all. We save our favorite ride, Pandemonium, for last. The spinning is too much for Dominik and Ryan, so Kimberly and I take my two oldest children on the ride; while they wait with my niece and Ryder. The smells of funnel cakes and oil from the engine running the ride nearby, confuses my senses. A brisk breeze tingles my fingers and nose, as I hold the hand of my only daughter, Piper. One of our favorite things to do together is ride rollercoasters. I squeeze her small cold hand, in mine, trying to warm them up slightly. Her shoulder length blonde hair blows effortlessly in the wind as she looks up at me and smiles sweetly. “I am so glad we are here, mommy,” her raspy voice barely whistles over the noise around us. “Me too, Punkin,” I squeeze her hand a little tighter and thank God, quietly, for giving me a daughter. Something I often take for granted. 

 I look up into the night sky, as we wait in line, and I can see it. I spot the conjunction, unofficially dubbed “The Star of Bethlehem,” by my Spirit guides; or team of spiritual advisors that guide me during my time here on Earth. Some people refer to this team as their, “Guardian Angels.” There are those who even think, this team is made up of a higher version of your self. Your soul, that is more advanced than your soul here on Earth. Im honestly not sure which it is, but I know I trust them; and I do not trust anyone. 

I can see the twinkle of the conjunction with no issues, in the clear night sky. It is easily the brightest ‘star’ in the sky! I reach out my arm to see if I can touch it. “It seems so close,” I thought to myself. My sister and children raise their eyebrows at me; as if I am weird. Nothing I am not already used to. Being weird has always been my “thing.” I have always owned my weirdness and desire to not follow the crowd. I am proud of it, even. I shrug off their confused looks, as swiftly as they happened, and continue to wait in the long line. The chit chatter of everyone around me, and the loud roar of the coaster, made me feel anxious. I steady myself with a deep breath and silently ask God to take my anxiety away, so I can enjoy the rest of our evening. 

When we finally get up the spinning cart for our turn, I keep my eyes on the star. We all four step into the cart, and take our seats as we are locked safely into place. I quickly turn my head again, as to not lose sight of the star; as we ascend up the incline of the track. I quickly glance at the faces of my children, to reassure myself that they are safe and happy, before I get lost in my mind again. “I am open to receiving from you Spirit. Tell me when I need to know about this star!” I demand boldly. No reply is heard. I am slightly disappointed and annoyed that I did not get the response I was looking for. There is not much time to sit and think about it as the ride swiftly descends the rails and begins to whirl around and around. I reach my arms up into the sky, shut my eyes, and begin to squeal along with my sister and children. “Speak to your inner child. Do what you love!” Spirit tells me. And a vision fills my mind. 

I was instantly transported to another time and place. I could feel the air ‘woosh’ around me, as the ride continued to twirl faster; but I was lost in this other realm somewhere. Caught somewhere between here and what could only feel like another World. As the vision overwhelmed all five of my senses, my sixth sense opened wider and more vividly. My third eye. And I saw. I saw something that I cannot even begin to explain. I felt it even. “What is happening?” I questioned myself. The vision flashed before my eyes and mind again, only this time more vividly.  I raised my hands high above my head and clinched my eyes shut as tightly as I could, to try and shake this scenario playing before my eyes. I was doing my best to focus on the ride, as the vision consumed me. I did not fully understand it, but I could sense that what I saw, I had seen before. 

As the ride comes to a stop, my mind is literal mush. My entire body feels as if all energy has been drained from it. “What just happened?” I questioned myself, again. “You okay, mom?” asked Kaden. Obvious worry spread across his face. I struggled to steady myself as we exited the ride and made our way back to Dominik, Ryan and the smaller children.  I must have looked, like I felt; in order for Kaden to notice and be concerned. I found myself feeling confused and quite honestly, a little scared. And exhausted; fatigued, even.  I have ridden this ride several times before, and have never, ever, experienced anything remotely close to what I just experienced. “I did not SEE anything, but like, I SAW something; Did I not?” I question myself profusely. I cannot shake these images, I just saw in my mind. I knew it was important, yet I could not quite understand what I just experienced. But I knew, I could not wait to get back to the car and text “The Brittney’s,” about what just happened. Maybe one of them would be able to explain what I just went through.. 

The ride home was mostly quiet, so I picked up my phone to text my three closest, witch-y friends. The Brittney’s. We were not actually witches, of course, but we were certainly exploring things outside of the restraints of modern day religion. Anyone who has ever had their lives controlled by religion, would say we were playing with witchcraft. I have never mixed any herbs, or created any potions; but I was certainly learning how to use my mind to think more positively and if that is considered witchcraft, then I am proudly a Witch. 

I have changed my entire mind set over these last several months. I used to be constantly thinking and speaking, the worst. Imagining the worst. Not realizing that your thoughts can actually be turned into your reality. With every thought, the Universe creates karma in your favor. Points, to level up in the “Game of Life;” if we were using parables. This works both ways, however. Negative thoughts attract negative karma; or you lose points in the game. Positive thoughts, attract positive karma and you gain points in the game. The more points you gain, the higher your physical frequency vibrates and the quicker you ascend to a fifth dimensional level of consciousness. I loved the freeness that positive thinking has brought me, and the wonderful things it was attracting into my life. Like the three Brittney’s. Or the fact that not only my very best friend, Jennifer, came to visit me for my birthday; but I was raising a litter of puppies, and my sister and her family were here for Christmas. 

“I am definitely leveling up, to a 5D consciousness. Life is good.” I think to myself. A grin fills my face, and I begin to write the text to my closest friends. “I guess they would call that a Coven,” I giggle out loud a little, not meaning to. “What is so funny?” Dominik questions. “Oh nothing. Just texting the Brittneys.” I replied. I do not see the eye roll, but I can feel it, with the ‘huff’ in his voice. The four of us girls have been spending multiple nights a week together, at Brittney Gavin’s house; smoking out and having girl talk. We always waited until late in the evening, after all of our children had gone to bed, but I could sense that maybe I was spreading my time a little too thin. I returned my attention to my phone, despite his somewhat, obviously annoyed, response. I began to tell them about the experience I just had. About what I felt. About what I saw. About the vision. I am still unsure about calling these vivid images, “visions.” After all, It is witchcraft; and that is of the Devil. This is what I have been told, by the church, my entire life. “Many experienced visions, throughout the Bible. How can this be of the Devil?” I ask myself. I can feel Spirit smile at me, too. As if finally, I understand.

I get lost in the text message, as the vision consumes me. Telling my girlfriends, what I saw and felt, instantly transports me back into another dimension somewhere. These visions only last a small fraction of a second; but they play out in vivid little clips in my mind. They are different from memories. More vivid. More real, and unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I can hear them. I can feel them. The vibration and warmth of the seat beneath my legs, grounds me as images flash through my mind; arrogating all of my senses. 

Suddenly, I am standing in front of a crowd; of what seems like millions of people. There are people as far as the eye can see, in every direction. Millions of souls surround me on all sides. People of every color. People of every size. People from all over the World. I stand on a round stage. The stone floor, cold on my bare feet. The stage is illuminated by a soft purple light. Just beyond the vast congregation, are the three Ancient Pyramids of Giza. They must be miles away, but they seem close enough to grasp in my finger tips. I bring my hands to my chest, and cup them together directly over my heart and the quartz crystal that dangles from my neck, flickers delicately. I can feel the energy pulsating in my chest; as it transfers into my hands. My hands and forearms tingle with electricity. I look down quickly, as electrical blue light courses through the veins in my forearms and hands. I shoot my arms straight out in front of me, forming the shape of a diamond with my thumb and index finger, touching each to the other hand. A blue translucent light bursts out of my chest, through the quartz crystal and the diamond I have made with my hands. The pellucid blue beam of light hits the center of the greatest and oldest of the three pyramids, Khufu. A luminous lime green light instantly emits from the top of Khufu and straight up, into the Heavens. The same green light radiates, horizontally, from all four sides of the pyramid, and envelops the crowd before me, as the lights interconnect the three great pyramids, Khufu, Khafre, and Menkaure. A blue beams of light transcends from each of them, in to the vast night sky. A deep bass note sounds from my left as the glowing green light emits from the top point of the three Pyramids; illuminating the skies above and around us. The “Great Firmament,” as they call it in the Bible, clears above our heads and thousands of spaceships and technologically advanced craft appear before our eyes. These crafts materialize in the same areas where stars and planets lie in our skies. I do not only see vessels; I also see what we perceive as “Angels.” They do not present themselves as we imagine them here on Earth, but rather as a glowing white light in the shape of a human; with wings like an albatross. Where the sun lies, in the distance, the largest vessel of them all waits patiently as the firmament clears; to be seen. This ship is known as “New Jersusalem,” and it sparkled like diamonds and specks of gold. The crowd before me, lifts their hands; palms raised to the Heavens before us. Their mouths agape with shock; as they see what has been hidden from humans for thousands of years. The air around me stills and quiets, as the vision plays continuously in my mind’s eye. 

 “You with me?” Asks Dominik. I have been so lost in my thoughts, I have not even realized he was speaking to me. I squeeze his hand to let him know I am present, but I get lost in my mind again. This happens so frequently, lately. I finished telling my girlfriends about my vision via text, as the scene played out on repeat. All three Brittney’s are overly excited for me, and maybe even a little jealous; if you ask me. “God does not grant visions to everyone; so what makes me so important?” I question myself. “You are chosen,” Spirit instantly replies. Her reply startles me, but it resonates as truth. “I’m CHOSEN.” I roll my eyes to myself. “What does that even mean?” I question internally. I have always known I was meant for bigger things, but never would I have called myself, “chosen. I gently squeeze Dominik’s right hand again, as he caresses the top of my hand with his thumb.  “There is no way, life can get any better than this,” I think to myself. The rest of the drive is quiet. All three children are sleeping soundly in the back, and Dominik is listening to the radio; so I close my eyes, and get lost in my vision again. I allow it to replay, over and over. Absorbing every millisecond of it. Still unsure if I am crazy, or not.

I take one last rip, from the glass bong, and the smoke fills my lungs. I exhale, and let go of the anxiety that a day at Six Flags Over Texas, has filled me with. Dominik caresses my leg, as I pass him the bong for one last hit. “Today was a good day,” I say. But he has no idea how good. “There is no way I could ever tell him about having a vision. He would think I am totally crazy,” I think to myself. “He is not ready,” Spirit whispers to me, reassuring my decision to not share. I place my hand into my husbands and give it a slight squeeze to let him know he is loved. He squeezes back, and I smile; knowing he loves me too. I let the rush of marijuana, fill my mind and I get lost in my high. Today has truly been a magical day.

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Kirsten is a wife and mother of three children. When she has a spare moment to herself you can find her expressing herself creatively through art and music. Although Kirsten is locally known for being a Fine Art Portrait Photographer; she has always had a secret love for writing. If anything, she has discovered how healing, writing can be. Through her story, she aspires to bring awareness to several important, but controversial modern day topics. Kirsten is a strong believer in micro-dosing with medicinal marijuana and making changes to the mental healthcare system, specifically for women. She is an advocate for Mothers struggling with mental illness and unresolved traumas. Kirsten hopes to use her story of overcoming childhood trauma, struggles with motherhood and mental illness; to evoke healing in those who will resonate with this story. Although the story itself has been fictionalized for entertainment purposes, it is very much inspired by true events.

Recent Posts

Finding Kirsten | Prologue

Finding Kirsten | Chapter One

Finding Kirsten | Chapter Two

Finding Kirsten | Chapter Three

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