Finding Kirsten A Memoir

A Vision Comes to Life

My mental health journey, started many years ago. Through a rollercoaster of trials and errors, I tried every medication under the sun. Nothing brought me the relief from my depression and anxiety, that I was so desperately seeking. A decades long struggle, that so many of us have encountered and are too afraid to openly talk about. We are all a little scared of being called, “crazy.” So we stay and suffer, in silence. I’m here to share my story, in hopes of changing the stigma around mental health and medicinal marijuana. My hope is to normalize it, even.

In late Winter, of 2021, I had regressed memories of childhood resurface. This trauma resurfacing, sent me into a state of psychosis. During this psychosis I encountered Jesus, and faced my darkest demons head on through a haze of pain and confusion. Despite what I was feeling emotionally, I found comfort in knowing that I was meant to share my story one day. If I could help just one person, face their traumas; then I will have succeeded. I just never would have imagined that it would turn into the story, I am about to share with all of you. The fun in turning my story in to a Science Fiction story, is being able to incorporate my spiritual journey and all things “weird,” that make me who I am today. Some will say, I experienced a marijuana induced psychosis. Some will say, I experienced a trauma induced psychosis. While others will say, I experienced a bi-polar, manic episode and not psychosis. But there is an entire community of people who will say that I experienced none of those things. What I experienced was a spiritual awakening. I’m here, not to convince you of what happened; but to show you what resolving childhood wounds can blossom into despite having all odds stacked against you.

The months following my psychosis, I had two separate inpatient stays, for my mental health. I also attended a full time out-patient program, offered through the hospital, for 16 or so weeks. Including almost 5 months of weekly, EMDR therapy with a certified therapist. But our savings quickly dried up, and credit cards maxed out; to pay for all of this therapy not covered by health insurance. Having to abruptly stop all forms of therapy, due to financial reasons; left me to deal with my memories, on my own. I came to know the mental health system in our Country, a little too well. I saw and experienced, first hand, its failure to provide adequate care for mental health patients with varying levels of needs. But more importantly, I saw what I wanted the mental health care system to look like. I saw what it COULD be.

For years, I have talked about opening a summer camp for Moms. Some where Moms could go, to do arts and crafts and drink wine with their friends. Have their meals served to them, and their laundry serviced. All while making memories. But during my months of therapy, that idea turned into more of a vision. Now, when I say that God put a vision on my heart; he really put a vision on my heart. This idea of a summer camp for Mothers, turned in to a full fledged dream of opening a resort for Mothers that would also be a fully functioning mental health facility. This is where my dream for “La Mére Ranch,” comes from. Quite literally meaning, “The Mother Ranch.” The ideas I have for this mental health facility, are vast and endless. But the most important, and probably biggest idea for “La Mére Ranch” would be that it wouldn’t cost its patients, a dime. I knew that my dreams and visions would never become a reality, if I just sat back and day dreamed about them. I knew that I would need, hundreds of millions of dollars; to make this happen. I knew that I would need Angel Investors and donations, to make this happen. I knew that we would have to be a licensed medical facility, to make this happen. But most importantly, I knew that my dreams were not out of reach; as long as I made moves to see them into fruition. Thus, one of the reasons I plan to share, with all of you.

I pray, two things, as I share my story with you. First, I pray for you. That you find healing and courage, within your own trauma, through mine. I pray that you have a space that is safe enough to tackle your childhood and suppressed traumas. That you have the village and support that you need to face your demons head on. May you learn to love yourself, as fiercely as God intended. Secondly, I pray for selfish reasons. I pray that my story not only helps someone else to heal but it encourages them to share their own story. I pray that the right person, reads my story and believes in my vision for La Mére Ranch, as much I do. May your healing journey be as rewarding, as mine.

-Kirsten